New Beginnings...ty to my sister who I hold very dear & Mr. M.

He said tomorrow is a new day, new beginnings and I hesitated at new beginnings and immediately asked myself why. I knew there was no way to come up with that answer so quickly and probably not while intoxicated either. The next morning, coffee in hand I stood and watched the kids (dogs) frolic in the morning sun. I had relived all that has happened in the last several months, in one weekend and it caused me to finally break. I knew it was coming, the moment when everything would hit like a tidal of emotions. The loss of so much. My mom, the one I used to call dad while growing up and whom I kept in contact with all these yrs, three really good friends, one of which I loved very much and carry our rings in my ride vest. Along with a spent shotgun shell from when we saluted the loss of a brother by shooting off some of his ashes.

Finding that the accident in my truck probably saved my life not only because had it been any other vehicle I might be dead or injured much worse but also because it started the harrowing Rd of cancer. I took the news with grace while in the face of the Dr. I went home in a haze of complete disbelief. I couldn't even call my sister to tell her. I couldn't even speak the word out loud. This all coming on top of when I could say that my mom had cancer and I could talk about it...now that I have it I had to relearn even how to say cancer. To wrap around my emotions, to even figure out what I was feeling has been the hardest moment. I not only had this set that terrified me but the completely different set from so many recent losses. I spent almost 2 weeks in what I now jokingly refer to as my cancer haze, not telling anyone, not saying anything and determined to do it on my own so I didn't bother anyone or make anyone worried. I read voraciously on nutrition, I spoke with my drs and 2 nutritionists. Every waking hr were thoughts of now what? Treatment, foods nutrition labels and keeping as busy as I could.

Little did I realize that what I was doing, even tho I was going thru the actions was that in reality I was avoiding the emotions. As I stood in my living room I heard my song and suddenly I started to cry and shake and at that very second I felt so very alone, so very lonely. I slowly crumpled to the floor. The strength I value in me was gone at this moment. I felt as if I had none and nothing. In reality, it was my strength that let me face what I didn't know I was about to do or go through. It was my strength letting me kneel on my living rm and bawl. It was my strength during these moments that let me feel the fear and to think of my grandbaby, daughter, son, my sister, misc family and friends and above all how I knew then and there that I would never tell my mom as the last thing I wanted her to know, as she fought her own cancer battle, was that I too was accepting mine.

For many I know telling their moms would be a first priority but we had an unfortunate relationship in which neither of us was the priority to the other, until that changed, right before she passed, when I got to see her eyes light up and her real smile when she saw me sitting next to her. She couldn't talk but I could and I did. It was the moment I had dreamed of and worked hard on for many years in my life and I forgave her for all of everything she ever did and didn't do as a parent. I cried and talked as she listened. I knew I had given her the best thing I could have at this moment and the gratefulness of finally being able to do so was huge. While I have no regrets I do wish this moment would have come many yrs sooner. I know in the last 6 mns of her life we had started talking much more. My friend Sue told me this needed to happen and that I needed to do what I did. At the time I told her it wouldn't happen but she was right. But I digress.

Back to the living rm, after spent tears I finally got angry and not in the why me sense of it but in the fuck you, you won't take me down. I stood up with a fire of fierceness inside and physically flipped a bird and said fuck you cancer I am so much stronger than you. I know there will be days when you will fight to get the better part of me but I won't allow it. I have too much life in, too much left to live and you will be nothing more than a bad speed bump in my truck. Yes, I actually did talk to my cancer as if it were a person and from this day on my attitude has been so very different.

I finally really heard my sister in my head telling me I had to learn not to be so stubborn and that sometimes I did have to ask for help and that's what family was all about. Mind you she's been telling me this for many yrs at this point but in that moment I finally understood. Yes it's great this strength of mine but it can also be the biggest downfall anyone can have, the not asking or not reaching out. I picked up the phone and called her. I told her and in that I set myself free. I had actually and finally reached out and asked for help. At this time, simply calling her, telling her and telling her I wasn't going to ever tell her and that I had originally intended on doing this alone then realizing that not only would she be mad but that I finally recognized her saying that I can't do everything myself was more than true.

To this day I have not joined a conventional support group but I have formed my own, if you will. I have since turned to those I consider friends who have also gone thru it. It's a messed up moment when you can find comfort in such a potential tragedy or a tragedy that's happened but it is a very real thing. But again I digress. The emotions of loss, fear, anger, sadness, extreme emotional pain, and feeling alone are all very real and prevalent, some more than others. Even at times feelings of embarrassment. From that day on my living rm floor I moved forward in a more positive moment. It became easier to mention and I realized that as I called my daughter and my soul mate of a best friend.

And now I am finding its becoming easier to talk about which was surprisingly evident in blurting out that I had cancer, to my electrical inspector, within 10 minutes of first meeting him. Oddly enough, just a few weeks prior I was on my floor. I don't know why I blurted this to a complete stranger. I am glad I did. It felt good. It was light hearted and that felt good. Maybe because he mentioned he was on the backside of it too I don't know am not sure the why matters a whole lot, just simply grateful for that moment. What I do know is that it was an instant moment of feeling comfortable in his presence and we hit it off immediately which tells me he is a good person at heart.

While we haven't learned a whole lot about the other we have learned much at the same time about ea other. I am glad ea day that he didn't meet me during the beginning stages of my news as I felt so closed down which normally I am always happy and go lucky. While tenuously, he is a quiet support in my life and suddenly in more ways than one, he is there nonetheless and his words reverberate...I will never be the same, the heart does heal, you are growing up lol...and we share the adage-- tomorrow is a new day and this morning I woke up to reading from him, new beginnings... He is right...

To new beginnings. To moving forward, like I normally would, to not dwelling on what isn't there and what and whom I miss, to not keeping in dark days but staying in the light, to continue living my life, as I have, happy and with a great smile and heart. In this I say thank you to a new friendship. Lastly but not least and actually the most important, I have changed so quick and I'm not done but I'm changing in huge positive ways for me. The biggest being that it really is OK to reach out and that I really am not bugging people just by talking or asking for a little help. While my relations with family and friends are strong, true and very steady they have suddenly gone to a new level simply because I have started to open up and reach out instead of thinking I could do it all. It's like sharing the biggest secret I have and that secret is me.

I have found more levels of love and acceptance. I am finding and letting myself be more receptive to the goodness around me and actually holding my hand out more and saying yes it's OK. I am learning that my extreme sense of privacy is actually a detriment to some degree and in slowly letting that go and sharing I am actually finding more light and trust in the world. I live well and easy within or so I thought all these years and in many aspects I have but in reaching out and opening myself up more I live easier, I trust easier and those relationships I have with others, yeah they will become stronger.

Know that despite all this that for as far back as I can remember, I have always loved life, always been an adventurer. Despite the darkness of even child hood and the angry bitter person from those days I have always loved life and been an adventurer and today that life from then to now has unfolded a thousand times over. I take with me a light, and in the face of all the adversity of late I intend to make that light even brighter not just for me but for everyone I meet. I think it's time to go play with cars in the mud now..