Calm before the rays

I have a very deep quiet side to me and this I see easily though very few do. It is these moments that oddly enough many ask if I am ok. I am always ok I'm simply just quiet, taking stock, thinking or simply trying not to think, just empty out the war zone of thoughts.

These days I have much to think about. I, with several close friends and family,watched my son graduate. Next year I watch my nephew graduate and then I am done; we are all done with these profound moments of that part of life and we too move onto different paths. Some may get another animal to fill a void...yeah I don't need that, I have plenty.

But I am here to say life is going to continue to be different. I will keep striving for my sense of purposes, not just one purpose. I will keep striving towards love; the kind that is real and shared. I will strive to maintain my strength both mentally and physically. I will continue to live life as that is my only choice for me and those all around. Tonight, I am glad I have that choice to make and I am glad to have made that choice.

Tomorrow starts my first radiation treatment. Oddly enough I am actually very calm though that's subject to change. Maybe I am calm because I broke down a few weeks ago. I got angry again, I got terrified and simply scared. I cried and couldn't stop. I tried reaching out and it felt like forever before I could get someone. For just a moment I felt alone and irrationaly thought no one really was there. Yes, that is the farthest from the truth. The person physically closest to me at that time I don't believe realized what was going on when I tried reaching out and when I couldn't get hold of my sister at first, yes it made everything worse. By time I did get hold of her I was a blubbering mess. I knew she would understand as her and her husband had just come through him and his cancer and recently he went into remission. I do find that I still have a hard time saying cancer but at least now I can talk about it without crying every time.

Later that day I left for a very long drive, the wind buffeting me as I shot down the road with the top down, knowing at anytime it would rain. I wanted the cleansing feel. I did end up helping to volunteer at a vintage motorcycle show an hr away and that helped to ease my aching mind. I continued my drive in silence...nothing but the wind and the sound of miles.

As I write this tonight, a few weeks later, I know that I am grateful that my treatment will not be long and extended. I know that if I was facing a long treatment that I would probably go home for as there, I would have those close to me there. I could not do any kind of extended treatment away from home. Here, everyone is locked into a rat race and in the middle of plans and their own busy life or simply have no way to be there physically and I am the last one to ask for someone to be at the center with me, especially when only facing a short treatment.

It is during those moments and apparently right now when the different meanings of life roll around, when I am truly missing someone in my life. I don't have that hand to hold or that someone to talk to in the mornings or look forward to in the evenings. I talk to the dogs and those around me daily, over the mundane but I share my life it seems with no one, yet with everyone just differently. For a very long time I have truly treasured my alone time and wanted no interruptions but as I have faced my own mortality (and pas with his recent stroke as well as Pauls, gma and gpas health, my brothers upcoming surgery and the way my sister must feel and the realizations of lifes funny turns I admit what I finally miss, want and in some innate way need and I will take my bunny with me that has been with me since I was 17, seen me through all my surgeries and the birth of kids and if only it could talk...Above all of this, more than anything, I need my strength of will, perseverance and to hang onto the light of who I am and my life. I know this next trial of life will not be easy to do by myself and I get it, so very much. Yes I did say by myself....even though there are many out there I realize each day I will go to treatment alone. I don't know if that's a scary thought, a sad thought, a lonely moment...I really don't know. Maybe it's because I think no one should be alone during these moments. I know I will survive it, that is what I do know. I know my family and friends will be there in spirit each and every moment and I know that being alone during an extended treatment, therein lies a weakness. I know I couldn't do that away from home, simply because that is where everyone is at. I think what it comes down to is I know my best male friend would be there every day and he would make sure to bring my daughter and son. In this situation, he can't do that. I know of the ones who would find the way to turn this all into a huge laughing matter full of raucous jokes and being so close to home, if I needed anything, it would be just minutes away instead of an hr or better.

I really don't know if any of this is making sense to anyone as I do feel like I am babbling and I am probably babbling as I want to get these words out before tomorrow morn.

I thank God for saving me and I thank him for the ability to know that even in the distance everyone is there. On that note, I will be back after treatment ends.