Firing guns in fields of flowers of the softer side

*Ree-this is what I was in the middle of. Your timing was very good on your post.

It's about connections; love, acceptance, honoring, personal integrity, all of it. But most of all, acceptance. I know if you can have full acceptance of one and all you can and will have an amazing life with so much positivity and shared moments, both positive and negative. You will feel comfortable doing, saying anything, no matter what it is. You will have someone to always turn to and without fear of losing that person. Me, I am fortunate that I have people in my life like this. I have my family and a handful of some very long term friendships that nothing will come between because it is a moment where the trust won't be broken.

This is how I want my love to be...something to believe in, someone that will accept me in every way there is, even if they don't agree. I want to recognize that in another and find my soul mate in more than just a friend (yes friends can be soulmate friends, we are living proof-TX Terry). I need to feel the wholeness and wholesomeness of whats really real. I don't want to waste time in stupid moments of what we think could be but we really know will never. I want to live and share and hold the hands of one next to me, across from me...I don't want the white picket fence but I want real life shared. By the way, the picket fence would end up in a bonfire.

I consider myself a hard to handle person and have for so long but I also understand that the hard to handle is actually very easy to handle for the right person. I've lived alot of life, I've learned so much. I've become so very independent over the years and to so many, the level of it all that l I hold becomes intimidating. I find that unfortunate but I understand. It's like my greatest strength set is also a large weakness and one that will never go away. Personally, I don't want it to go away and will never get rid of it. I will compromise under certain situations but only for the better. But in the end I always have the same question...Do you want someone who needs or some one who wants? I believe, one who wants, will choose to be there for the right and not the wrong reasons.

I am also the wanderer, they gypsy, the pirate, the lover, the friend, the worker, the one whose curious about much, even sometimes the mundane. I love adventure with a passion. My camera and world. I write, read and have crazy thoughts and I love me. I am confident, secure. I have glitter in my world. I dance, sing, make mud pies, play with toy cars, laugh, disappear completely, even if only 10' away (hey Bernie. Kev, Melinda & Ed summer eruption with caution taped ladder!) I laughed at everyone looking for me and it's a good hearted laugh. I cartwheel in dresses when drunk and wear combat boots with that same dress...who cared that is was formal? I have manners but can be more crass than a sailor. I have very long patience but don't push me to blow.

I search still, to this day, that absolute field full of all the wildflowers, something gentle and rolling, water nearby and that mtn in the view. Odd how I have yet to find this field for all the wandering I do. I've slept in my horse corral next to my horse (Miss My Max!).

I have a sharp edge about me. I carry guns and swords on an outward metaphorical level (guns in real life) and I know it puts people off but I also know if they can't get through that exterior then they will never be able to handle me. I also know that the fun sassy , soft, caring side is so very there, the one that feels, lets people in and holds relations as a real and almost old fashioned thing. I am not hard to make friends with but you do have to get inside and you do also have to make that effort, as I will. You need to be real. If you aren't you get no where.

I laugh, love cry, get moody, bitchy, pissy, soft, melancholy, I care very deeply, I love with a passion and sometimes the wrong reasons. I will put your tent in the middle of a lake floating. I value my alone time.I value time with others and their time alone. I want people to be real not judgmental. I want people to stand up, not sit unless it's time and that pill, ya be able to swallow it, accept it with grace because if you can't you have an issue. Yes I am blunt at times. I am rough and tumble, quiet, meek, gentle. I am me, I am woman, lady, girl.

With all of this, this is just the beginning of who I am, and can be. I haven't even marred the surface of what I like to do or why. I am ok. I am ok being where I am, who I am and who is in my life for whatever reason. I am proud to say that I don't need a person but that I want them in my life. I can say I am ok.

This all comes up due to comments made over the last few years, by several. Yes sure having someone there is great and awesome and I do miss that sharing but I won't devalue me, and will main tain my integrity to my self , others and I sure in the hell won't set myself up knowing I am going to fall. In this I'd rather be doing what I do without, than doing what I do with a miserable moment of sharing on really wrong terms. I will wait. And if what I seek never comes I am ok for that too. As long as I know who and what I love and myself aren't forsaken then I remain whole.