The Moments Of ICU-living, notes, apology & acceptance

The Decision to End-May 2, 2017

This past several days have been very trying. We have gotten hundreds of messages from people asking how we are and whats going on.

How are we doing? There is no short answer to that. That answer would encompass many hours worth of trying to describe how we are as every few minutes it seems to change. We are angry, sad, laughing, we have gallows humor, we struggle, we grieve for what is happening, we demand, what might be impossible demands, we've yelled, screamed and cried. Those tears have silently rolled down our faces and have wracked our entire bodies until we are exhausted or can't stand or we simply run out of tears; for all of two minutes...only to start the whole process over again and always with new questions new thoughts and then the tenfold of everything happens. It's a vicious cycle. We are even able to tell what stage of grief one of us is in during this and have quickly backed off and let whomever grieve in their way and it was always a humor moment that brought us back. Our bodies are tired, tight from anxiety, sore from the walking, the hugging, the pain of everything. We were never able to answer we are ok or not or happy or sad or hanging in there...simply there is not a short answer and even this answer does not cover it.

We've also received just as many messages asking for updates, there have been assumptions and even irritated people throughout this because we didn't provide answers. We could not provide those answers. As soon as we provided an answer to ourselves it literally would change in 10 minutes, in an hr, in an unexpected turn of a circumstance. Initially we tried to answer but the questions and the amount of our responses became overwhelming, almost immediately so therefore we stepped back and just waited until we got answers.

We all have asked ourselves some very hard questions of our own. Our perspectives are changing with ea minute it seems. Along with our faith.

We are told to seek a silver lining, to find the good in a bad. We always question the why and hope it leads to answers and not more questions. In this there is a silver lining for all that we are going through. That silver lining does come back to faith. While it may not seem like much to some, to a few of us it became everything.

My son in law Manny Stockton has questioned the faith concept for a long time and that's ok but he said something and my response was, that's Faith. He came back with I guess it would be wouldn't it.

Manny got to see first hand, hundreds of people and we are literally talking close to 1000, come together for one purpose for one goal and a few people. Manny got to see people come forward and pray, offer help, some picked up the pieces that he can't right now. He was able to breathe knowing their daughter is being taken care of during this time and not just by one person but by several that him and Krystal trust. He said "they are coming in droves" and he couldn't believe how many people were stepping forward in this moment and it was an amazing moment to him.

Depending on your beliefs, much of a lack of faith starts with humanity as faith isn't always about God but sometimes about people first. For some, they need to see the faith in people, more than God and he saw everyone of you doing what he didn't think you would do. He gained more faith than he had before this moment and that is a faith he will always believe in because he was able to see it and feel it. While he is angry at God for even putting him through this he did talk to God, he did talk to a pastor and he prayed along with all of us and who we will call Dr. Todd, who is actually sissy's main RN.

The other silver lining? Manny got to see a deep and genuine compassion, unconditional love, empathy, a shared pain, a gentleness, a kindness and a bright soulful person who showed how immensely he cares. He saw this all in very raw and emotional form, from another man, whom he didn't even know but has affected him deeply in ways that he will always remember and always learn from. This man only is this way due to his belief and faith in God and Manny holds this man in high esteem and I'd like to believe the positive road that will open for Manny because of this. These are two life lessons that he needed. There are many more he is taking from this but these two...no words.

When I said earlier that we have been busy, that was no joke and for anyone who has spent time in intensive care critical unit you know that even if you are sitting there quietly by yourself you are busy. Processing what is happening, why, crying, asking questions, analyzing, trying to expel self doubt and not make promises you can't keep. You are in constant consult with a Dr or a nurse, watching monitors and for us we can add in the respiratory team. Then we get to process this new info, discuss it and form new questions and accept an answer or not. While we have accomplished it so far, we struggle to eat and try and eat well, stay hydrated and get sleep. Sleep is difficult. The constant barrage of it all becomes overwhelming by itself and once that moment hit it became so much of the moment why no one outside of our circle that held physical vigil knew anything.

So what is happening with sis and what brought us to where we are now...Without the little tiny details and in short she wasn't feeling well at work, came home, laid down to take a nap. When she got up and walked outside with a room mate she went to collapse. That room mate immediately saw she wasn't breathing and called 911. Emt's arrived in 3 minutes and gave 15 of cpr and by time she was removed from the ambulance a life support system was almost completely in place. In essence when sis walked out the door she was virtually unconscious, while walking.

The loss of air was extensive and because there were no monitors in place from the beginning of this moment, the time frame of how long was she without air has a couple different speculations. The loss of air created a brain injury. The motions of trying to get air after she was brought conscious was that she could breath in but could not breathe out which is called double stacking which causes her to have seizures and less air flow to her brain. This quickly has become a never ending circle for her and her only rest is under heavy sedation vs the violent extreme and very long seizes, some more than an hr. We have tried jump starting her body by cooling it to an almost complete standstill and warming her back up and this is a 24 hr period and was done twice. Then it was time to try and jump start her brain so that her firing would get realigned and stop this seizing. The combination between the seizing and the double stacking was collapsing her lungs. The end result of these moments and many many tests, to include ct, xrays, blood work and an mri and 2- 12 hr eeg tests was a lack of activity. The mri showed us where her brain injuries occurred.

Her brain has suffered irreparable damage to much of her frontal and back of her brain and in large sections. She has suffered injury to a portion of the top of her brain and to each side. The functions that she has right now and the only ones she will have are a possible small motor control and hearing. Sight, movement, the movement of her eyes and 98% of her ability to breathe on her own are affected. Her lungs have collapsed and due to the brain injuries cannot sustain on their own.

Yesterday we made what if decisions and tonight we saw hard proof. Our shining light in this girl is gone from her and is being given to us. We had to make the decision to remove her from life support tomorrow morning. That was our original time chosen on the what if scale. We have a last visit with her in the morning.

There are still unanswered questions and we are seeking those answers.Krystal Tapken wanted donation so we are gifting her to a medical science class for students to learn. After my long and involved discussion with them, we hope to gain the answer to what happened.

We are so sorry to have to say this and this moment wasn't easy and the decisions we have had to make even harder. There are many questions you may have that simply we cannot answer. What I can say is she is not considered brain dead but in a vegetative state of a high percentage where there is no quality of life and that's why we are doing what we are.

Baby girl by me, Honey girl by Manny, mom mom mom by Micki, you will always be here, you will never leave and you will provide the ways that Manny will need to continue to teach this little one the life they both intended. there are not enough words for everything that has happened or the immense love and light we have for you.

Krystal Marie Tapken Stockton 2-14-90 Deceased May 3, 2017.

Apology to my son in law, Emanuel Stockton-May 6, 2017

I am a writer. It helps, it expels and when the moment is right I will write about whatever is needed and learnt from my prospective, but from my blog. I don't expect there will be another long post here outside of this one but this one needs to be said also.

There is a thank you I haven't really said much about, it is one I have held close, one that caught me off guard in and during circumstances and it help to tie together the question I asked of my daughter last night on my way back from Eugene. I asked her wth is she upto? We've seen some weird things, at least weird in our perspective. But I digress.

I will admit, that as a family many of us questioned Manny and sis together and we questioned from the very beginning. I have mentioned this a little to Manny in the recent days. What I haven't mentioned was my thank you to him. I hate the tragic moment that has brought about all the different changes in relationships and renewals but I got to see something that I and some of our family needed to see and that is the love that Manny does have for my daughter. It is real. I watched this man, whom I've known well before my daughter and him, by her side. He read to her, he spoke with her, begged her, played her favorite music, played videos of little one, he teased her told her how little one was and that she went to the park, who was watching her. He told her about the sniffles and who was around. He gave her grief about her driving skills on the monitors. He never stopped telling her he loved her, he never stopped touching her, except when he had to. He was attentive to all the dr requests for her need to rest, he slept in the room with her where I couldn't because each time the machines made a noise I woke up wondering if something was wrong...or maybe I never slept who knows. He devoted every thing he had to my daughter. I saw the tears, I held him as he broke, we held each other. I got to see shifts of changes in him and a side I didn't know existed. My son Zach Clinkscales got to see these two. Zach and I talked about this and how grateful we are to know just how much love there really was. We are grateful to see what we didn't see, while on the outside of the relationship between these two. It gave us real peace to watch while at the same time it tore and shattered for watching him go through what he was.

I've heard and watched him talk about his daughter, making promises to her and to her mom that I know will be kept. I've watched him in action, full speed ahead, with a mind like mine, full of too much and overflowing but never stopping to do what is needed to be done right now. I have no doubt that the promises I've heard will always remain. I've watched him start changing little things...I mean really, when is the last time I knew he was up and awake at 6:30 to start the day, the day that sis would normally start. I've watched him question and get in order, all the little moments of Dr appts, making sure everything was caught up, immunizations, to make sure they were in order, insurances and fixing a stupid but trying moment through the ss office. I'm watching him slowly make organization out of what we call a mess, most simply because it was all stuff sis dealt with while he was the bread winner. I'm watching him learn single parenthood. Ya welcome to parenting 101 He actually passed Parenting 95 along time ago.

Manny Stockton, while I am not sorry for the doubts as that is part of the growth factor here I thank you from every fiber for loving this brat child of mine (yes I've always called her that but only in teasing). I thanked God for showing me, showing us this, even though it came with tragedy. The ease in which our hearts feel, the surprise at it and the mild self admonishment we gave ourselves for judging what we really didn't know...in short there is no doubt and never will be, of your love for the daughter and sister that has been cherished for years. The protectiveness that we kept over her that unfortunately included parts of her life with you...it's all gone. Talk about a way to get 100% acceptance but boy was if effective...just what the hell are you doing sissy? Manny, I love you for what you've done and are doing and I know will continue to do and sorry about the stupid judgmental crap. Welcome to our family, in all aspects and knowing what I know now, I'm glad you are my son in law and the daddy to my grand daughter and I look forward to fishing with you and little one tomorrow.

And too Shaina Rochelle, that convo on their wedding day, just a mere few days ago and with what I've seen; that you and I had, although brief, hold tight little one, you do have a good dad and a dad who really loves you so much. I've heard him talk about you and it's real. Never let anyone stand in the path between you and dad, and dad...the same goes for you as well. In it's tragedy you also get renewal.

Oh and ps...tx for sending me the video of little one yesterday dancing...that is a total sissy move. That's something that she did frequently.

From my Son Zach Clinkscales-May 7, 2017

Manny Stockton here's to you and your wonderful little girl. I love you both very very much. you will be the light in her world. Im very thankful for that. im also thankful for you the man I can call my brother. biggest of all THANK YOU.

Cara Tapken mom I love you I know right now sucks but we will learn.

thank you also to Terry Kosbau and Dave and lara Laura Photogirl Burch and Scott Kay

we all helped each other through this dont forget that I love all of you to.

and to my bestfriend/sister Krystal Tapken know that where ever you maybe at any point in your journey know I love you and always will