Tragedies Hidden Faith

We will receive whatever we believe and have faith for.

It is an extraordinary bewilderment as to how immeasurable the echo of truth reigns in the sentence above. If we believe we are inconsequential, helpless, and are depressed we become mired in seeking the faith, in the betterment, of self, life and in God or for some, a higher power. It is a seminal moment of which we hope for, work towards, pray about, and for those who just haven't ever seemed to find it, we sometimes scream for it. We begin to cease to exist, we invalidate who we are, simply because we do not believe...not just in faith but in virtually anything. We exist as a living person but at what level? What kind of person are we really? This kind of failing belief is what kept trying to kill me throughout the years. It almost succeeded.

Life hurts, life is exceedingly and remarkably difficult at times, there is no denying that. Too often we are confused, angry, upset, somber, bitter, hateful, vengeful, sad, and the list continues on. We live with indignant temperaments. We begin to become despondent to ourselves and in that to others and to the chance of faith. We become too busy even if we think we aren't. Sometimes being busy can simply be in thoughts that tumble over each other in a nonsensical fashion, even if we think it makes sense. And if anyone is like me, which I know many are, they don't even realize something is wrong or if they do, they simply become adept at ignoring it, moving on in life and making that moment so second nature, that it takes an extreme moment of the highest kind to change your game of life. I was too busy for alot of years. Experiencing my daughter's death changed my perception and perspectives of everything and it changed my Faith.

Only recently have I realized just how busy. "If only"....I caught myself saying that..."If only I could have realized sooner what I was and was not doing then I could have avoided so much." For just a second, recently, I believed that. In an immediate moment of certainty, I knew I was so very wrong. I felt the absoluteness of knowing how incorrect I was in that thought and how I had predispositioned myself, over the years, into thinking that and how correct I was in changing that thought. I felt delicate, yet strong in changing my thought pattern, and with such fortitude. I whispered as I looked up and said thank you.

For me, it took a forceful and dire moment of transformation for me to be where I am today. Apparently it has taken several years. It took questioning of everything around me as it was happening and after the fact. It took a past of brutality, anger, hatefulness, despair, sadness, drugs and frustrations. It took me to step back and objectively watch what I thought I was seeing. It took me the lingering heart felt moment of the mirror as I stood in our make shift bedroom/consult room on a 4th floor of life and tragedy for me to see my life before my eyes. It has taken my lifetime, a person I knew, one I didn't and one hell of alot of grief, to make my life change.

In frustration and anger I left my daughters room during the time after we removed life support. She had a long ways to go. I went for a walk. Upon returning I went to our consult room. I stood in that room, by myself and the tears that fell, the hugging of myself and my infamous bunny weren't just for my kiddo or anyone else watching her slowly fade, with excruciating speed. Something was happening. I felt the grief in so many facets of so many different parts of my life but at the same time I felt something akin to acceptance and peace. To this day that is still an astounding thought. How does one feel peace when you are losing so much of your life, right down the hall?

They say there comes a time when your life flashes before your eyes and I always thought that was when you were dying. In retrospect, that's exactly what happened to me. I died early that afternoon. I died before my daughter did. That is what she would have wanted for me, this moment. If she was standing next to me physically. I would have argued the point with her. What few people knew is my daughter was very spiritual and she did have faith and she believed in ways I wish I could have. She took to heart the years of me telling both of my kids that "no matter how bad it gets, always, always find the silver lining, find the good. In all bad there is good." I drilled that into both of my kids heads as hard as I could because that is something I believed and something I had seen often...and I am the one with no faith remember? The conundrum of Cara.

I saw everything. I saw me as a 5 yr old through to the first time I went to church in the 4th grade. I went to church then to escape home. My first bad memory was at age 5. I relived those memories and the times I cried out, searching for help. Finding none. My grandfather eventually took us out of our home, though that was short lived. Child services forced us back into the home I had tried running from. I relived the moments of early teen years and the abuses that reigned down from alcoholic and drug induced adults. I relived my time in Washington. The time with counseling I put myself into at school, calling social services and trying to run away to Pennsylvania and when no one would help, I tried church again. The only thing I have seen for years, at that moment was how the core group stood guard in our driveway with Kittitas County Sheriff, as we packed the Ryder truck the church paid for and ran away back to Bend, Oregon. A sheriff and 2 church member cars following us out of town...me desperately afraid, very angry and holding for dear life to a stuffed bear. The time in Washington that gave me nightmares for many years afterwards and caused me to hate my mom and not speak to her for the next several years.

My mid to late teens were spent as a wayward child because it didn't matter and I had no rules, as long as I stayed out of the way. I found the christian run coffee shop that was open to all but catered to us wayward brats. Today almost all of the kids that frequented have passed away from alcohol, drugs or some other tragedy. I once again attended church and still got nothing. I was a teenager trying to make friends in an adult world that I didn't understand and still prayers didn't work for me as my life spiraled deeper and farther...I disappeared. I became good at disappearing.

I did finally reappear almost 3 years later, at the door of the Pastor from the coffee shop. I was 19. I appeared to let them know I went back to school and that I did graduate and I introduced them to my then 5 month old daughter, Krystal and no, I still didn't feel God. No I had pretty much given up praying as I didn't see how it helped. I left and disappeared for many years from them, but I never forgot. They were always so kind and caring.

My son being born, my other daughter Jade Clarice that didn't get to be born alive, of whose baby rings I still have and I held just last week. My impromptu breakdown inside the Catholic church downtown. I walked out of that church not liking who I was and heading to pick up divorce papers. I bought a house and 8 months later gave it back and moved back to La Pine and hid in every aspect, I hid through sun up to sundown work. I hid from people, I hid from myself. I never hid from my kids. People can argue this but I succeeded in raising good healthy well adjusted, open and communicative kids and you can't do that by hiding from them. I was very active with them, very open and honest and in litany form "I would not raise them the way I was raised." I succeeded. I am proud of my kids every day! I value our relationship everyday!

I felt the pain, as I stood there, still at that window, as I felt the moment of when I decided to commit suicide and how and how the only thing, I thought for years that saved me, was what my daughter would go through. I was actually naive enough to think with my son being just a few yrs old, it wouldn't affect him. Just last yr I told my daughter about that experience and part of that moment still sits on my phone in subsequent texts. She was 11 when this happened. I moved on from that and have never thought of suicide since.

Hey guess what, I went back to church, still hoping. I even got baptized. Now I will say that having the discussion of this with my Pastor, who was also my Pastor in the 4th grade but at the then Foursquare. Later he moved to the Westside in Bend, I felt good, like I was doing something finally, like something would finally change and the baptismal a few weeks later did feel good but once again, all that moment that felt good, yep gone again. I walked away from church yet again, vowed never to go back. That was in 2005. Last year I denounced the Bible to someone who had known me for many years and who went through his own hell to become a devout christian. A couple of weeks ago I wrote this person a letter...talk about a surprise from me to them!

Still standing at that window I relived the agonizingly, grievous and wearisome inability to forgive my daughter's rapist. That moment almost tore her and I apart. We both spent more than a year in counseling together and apart, twice a week. We traveled 40 miles one way for this time...that is how important it was to save us. It took me 9 years to finally forgive...during that time I screamed, ranted raved and cried for God to help me forgive and to take away that anger...when it finally happened the relief was huge. I felt newness. I cried tears and I said thank you. I had just crossed one of my biggest hurdles. That person still sits in a Washington prison today and I have been on vine notification since 2002, although this happened 23 years ago.

The heart I broke, the 6 years I fought to keep at least the friendship and last year finally accepting that loss of a 22 yr friendship, when I was finally told in person that there was no friendship. There was nothing left. That entire face to face from the time I drove up to the time I left lasted less than 3 minutes. I remember the huge loss in my heart and I cried most of that 1.5 hrs home.

I went back in time to when I moved my mom, the one who made us suffer tremendously, from an abusive situation, into my home. That moment almost broke me again. I also thought how I had also forgiven her and how I was the only one at her bedside, holding her hand as she died, while holding the phone to her ear so she could hear her son's voice, as he sat in prison. I let my mom know that I forgave her, before then. I asked her to go in peace and today I talk to my mom and I do miss her. We never had a good relationship in any part of our lives but I did forgive and that was my last big hurdle of my own personal self. I feel she was taken too soon as we were really trying to change things.

Before I denounced the Bible last year I also forgave a family member for theft of everything my mom owned and the taking of her cancer meds of which she was under investigation for. I was called a martyr and told to go die. I had to look up the definition of martyr and boy did I ever laugh. It took awhile but I did die, in that ICU ward, staring out a window, behind closed doors and with a heart that I could feel, as it slowly faded from the imagined crevices of the canyons to something so much more whole. I died many times as I relived everything but when I was done I came back new. She got her desire and I got mine.

I remembered how I felt when I was informed of cancer and how I was determined to do it alone and how I collapsed in my living room and came back to, so full of fight. Almost immediately after that a very close and special friend passed, that friend was moving near me and for the first time in 17 years I had very serious conversations about getting remarried. Oh wait, I never had conversations prior about getting married, they were just simply the question in the past. Today I still carry the dollar bill ring. This person had started to feel a sense of belonging but at the same time I think it scared him so bad, it was easier to walk away via alcohol, even though it wasn't intentional. I cried at nights, every night for many days. His memorial brought close to 200 people. My daughters would have also, had we been at home.

I had additional memories. One of the kids and I as we sang "Our God is an Awesome God, at the top of our lungs, windows down. That was one of sissy's favorite songs for awhile during teen years. I had taken her for her first flying session that day. My son was in the back seat singing with us. The other, when my son, then 5, stood in the snow, one foot propped up on his power wheel and he was calling the tow truck because his power wheel was stuck. Oh how we laughed! I still have the letter to Santa from sis that starts "Dear Santa Clues, I know you are boozy...all because of misspelled words. The time that surprised me the most, is when my son, from the back seat, at age 14, read from a book we just bought about adolescent changes and how he read from that, out loud, to his sister & I. I had all the different times my two kids hugged each other and I smiled and thought how fortunate I was that they were so very close their entire lives. I felt harsh tears for my sons loss at that moment. His best friend, his sister.

As I stood at that window, I relived all of this but it only took moments. Life flashing before your eyes is a very real moment and it is amazing the memories one has and where those memories take you to and the realizations that hit and form the epiphanies of new life. It is amazing how quick it goes. In this I didn't feel the pains of all of those years, I felt something different. I felt relieved. it was over, finally it was all over. Was it over because death brought newness? Was it over because of forgiveness and acceptance? Was it over because it simply was? Had all my years of prayers finally caught up? I went back to my daughters room, broken, yet not. New but so very old. Not tired anymore and a body physically humming yet mentally exhausted. I felt different. Shattered at a inner core that should never be shattered as I watched my kiddo pass and I took turns with everyone else holding her hand and telling her to go. As people rubbed her legs, brushed her hair back from her face and talked to her, held her hands and we begged her to go if she couldn't stay. I watched a room of exquisite love pour out. Love that expanded over the centuries since she had been born. It was so very surreal. It was palpable and impassioned.

I was heart broken for everyone in that room and for many who weren't. Disbelief settled in and continued for many days. I still have disbelief. We all lost an extremely special light that day that was in her, that we experienced daily, through her. A light she passed to many throughout the years. How I ached that my granddaughter would have no mom. I watched a new husband break even more and become more broken than he had ever been. I stood with my son, my best male friend, my only female friend on this side of the mountain, my son in law, my ex husband and the person whose friendship I fought for, for that 6 years, the one that now I have a friendship rekindling. One of the few who can compare the me from 23 yrs ago to the me now. The first one I had the real first conversation of honesty and faith with. We stood there on common yet different grounds. We all felt the same loss, yet differently and we all would learn from this moment, differently. We all changed for life.

As I spent my final moments with everyone in that room I watched my daughters light fade from her but it didn't leave. Now I know people may consider me crazy and that's ok but I saw that light from the top of her head and separate out and pieces go into every one there. As I sat on the couch in her room I felt removed and for a second, on each person that light hovered. This light filled moment only lasted seconds. I didn't see it hover over me but I felt it and I broke again. How many times can a person break in the course of 5 days? We all changed that day. My last forgiveness was that day as I forgave my ex husband, standing less than 10' away. We all changed that day and somewhere deep in all of us we see the goodness, everyday, that she left behind. We see what normally wouldn't be seen. We see ourselves differently, we see the world differently and among the denial of some, they see magic, just without realizing it, because I have stood next to them as they have commented on it. We all have much more for this moment shared across the lines of life, the exacerbation of her sudden and unexpected death came with the cost of shattering and newlife and that is how she would want it, that is what she would demand....and if you knew my daughter, she could demand! In the depths of a tragic and unfathomable loss we all have gained in our loss. While I want my daughter back...on a spiritual level I can justify her death and I can find acceptance.

These days I have gained much. These days I understand much more. These days I recognize what I hadn't before. I can look back and see how I took so much for granted. How when I felt I was screaming for help and believing I had none, I actually was helped but never paid much attention, beyond that help. I never really felt the gratefulness, clarity, the healing. I never promoted those feelings and soon they disappeared. Today, I can't even look back and re feel what I felt then. However, I can now see where prayers were answered because in each situation something changed to make it a little bit better and make me a little bit stronger. Seek and ye shall find. Mathew 7:7, man that is so true! It just took more than 35 years. I have been very glad for the strength given to me over the years. Though I do hope that isn't tested anytime to soon.

The times that I fell to my knees and screamed in so much pain, lashed out, became angrier and angrier with the exception of those few moments when "ok hey I have a reprieve from the emotions and issues," ok thanks and next please as I rushed on. I have realized how quick I have ran through life not paying enough attention to what really mattered on so many levels. Yes I was a good person, yes I did good things but this is not enough. Yes I affected people well. I have made some amazing friends over the years and have kept long term ones. I fought tooth and nail for every moment. I fought to try and find peace, contentment, happiness and a sense of well being. I didn't see it then but I see and feel it so very much now.

God was there I just refused to stop and listen. Through the negativity of life, even if it didn't seem negative, I had created my own spiritual wall. I dug a moat, I filled it with all the wrong things. I pulled up that drawbridge of life and ran to the highest window, only to look in the wrong directions. Over the years I granted audience to several, but from the window, way up high. Rarely did I come down. This was my protection against feeling pain and ignoring experiences that I deemed unpleasant. The psychological moment was so backwards. I can only imagine how I would have been without the years of counseling. What a mess.

I prayed and prayed but in looking back, not with fervor. Not with a belief of anything really. I prayed because that is what I have been told to do over the years. All the years of in and out of church, the years of being active in youth groups, the years of apparently pretending I had it all together...one day I realized I didn't have anything together but even that day was not quite enough to wake my butt up; at least not all the way. That was when I was on my knees, in my driveway, next to my power pole, considering suicide. For those who know my place in La Pine, you know this spot. In looking back from where I stand as I write this, I can say that what happened then was enough to keep me going. While I may say I prayed and without fervor, I was still heard. While my faith was not strong, I was still heard. Or maybe my faith was stronger than I realized and I just ignored it because I had been too busy. There was a moment of intervention in my life. There were several. I didn't recognize it as that at the time but today, I know it was exactly that. While I ignored so much, my life was being saved a little at a time, I simply was refusing to see it that way.

I have had people doubt my faith because it's so sudden and on top of the death of my daughter. They have asked how can it be? I personally questioned this very same thing and I did look. I questioned I didn't understand and I thought too, that something was wrong with me, despite knowing, deep down the reason was faith. I knew this, before I left the hospital. I knew this as we stood for a long period, outside the hospital. But this question of how can I have faith be stronger after I watched my daughter leave finally led me to call Pastors and two different churches and lay the question at the feet of individuals who were very strong in faith. By the time I called these people and spoke to them, I had already seen and felt changes and trusted in what I saw, felt, heard and came to believe.

In my worst moment, as an almost faithless person, one who used faith as a convenience, I somehow finally found trust and faith in huge ways. I am sure had it not been for all the "coincidences," changes I saw, the blue haze that surrounded my body, the voice in my head telling me to open my eyes while driving that probably saved someone from a major accident; the two people in the field talking (myself and one other), the brief time watching my life, watching my daughter and those who stood at her last minute and knowing what her death has done, other than the create despair and sadness, ache and loneliness; I probably would not have come to believe. It is difficult to explain.

What I understand is that any security and peace should have been shattered in a much deeper way and different way than what I experienced. Yes my grand daughter lost her mother, my son in law lost his new wife but I also saw the giving to, of others, other than me. I watched the lives of people change in positive ways, some of them won't see that change for years to come. I can't ignore these and I cannot ignore what I have already seen and felt. The fact that my daughter would rejoice at what has been given to others, that's how she would want us to be also. I don't rejoice in her death, but I do in the life of before and after.

With the amazing conversations with past Pastors as of late, the making of new acquaintances of which I talk with many, most days, I have not walked away. My relationship with everyone at work has always been one of gratitude and the word amazing (many know this) but now I openly talk with them on much different levels. When I can read the title of a book a coworker brings to work, "The Praying Wife" ...yes I am lucky to work with these people. Thank you to my boss for his pastoral counseling in the past. He's helped me though I am not quite sure he realizes that. I guess I should thank him, all of them. I am not sure who is more excited, those that I have talked to or myself. And yesterday, one of my tenants whom I hadn't seen in 9 months knew something was different, she asked me if I was ok and I was, just quiet, which is often normal. I did tell her some of what happened to include when my faith changed and she smiled a secret and knowing smile. She also simply yet earnestly asked if we could pray and we prayed on her doorstep, out on Sassy Ln and with tears in my eyes I hugged her as I went to leave. I have more strangers praying, it's so different. It's good. It helps set a heart to ease. It's selfless and giving as it should be.

I had the most amazing conversation with one of my brothers, well past my bedtime, who was very happy to hear what I had to say. I think we both cried a tiny bit. I cannot say I have ever talked of the bible or scripture with anyone in my family, ever, until last night. I was surprised at how many verses he threw out at me and hey I was able to come back with a moment of my own from the book of Acts about Paul, Damascus and faith (Ty to Pastor Ken) and actively talk about other books, Job being the first book I've ever truly read. I have never searched for verses. Now I know verses on faith, healing, love, trust and Hebrews 11:1 is now coupled with the tattoo of my daughters painting...Who would have thunk lol.

Someone recently told me the ball was in my court, and before I gave it back to that person I was asked by a friend if I had any contemplation over that ball, if I could go there? My response, as I walked away shaking my head was No, I couldn't. Too much on my plate suddenly. I told her and honestly my faith being new and changing in the ways that I am...that kind of ball is the last thing I need right now....that's before I handed the ball back. The realization of that "the ball being in my court", meant something very different then than what it means now... And now I'm being an Indian giver and I am taking that ball back (I don't think they will mind) and using it to continue to grow in my own faith. That ball will have many high bounces. Hopefully it will bounce off my head to wake me up if needed, when I slip up as I know I will. I really don't know what he meant by telling me the ball was in my court, maybe one day he will say. But as in the book of Esther, I believe that this spiritual moment was given through the death of my kiddo. I believe that deliverance is a real moment and that there is salvation in not only this experience, but in all of my experiences. A compelling and powerful life story. I believe without the divine timing of change, I would be completely lost, in an instant.

Little mannerisms have been changing, many thought processes, some very simple, some not so much. I suddenly don't even have a life contingency plan in case of what if... and I am ok with that. They do call that faith I believe ;)

While it would be nice to have someone in my life on a intimate/romantic level, as I have thought in the past, right now I actually don't want this. I don't think it's a good idea. Suddenly my life has changed and I expect that what I really want in that realm will also change. I need to know that my faith isn't just based on emotion and circumstances of some temporary "high" that will go away. I need to give this time and to make sure I am headed where I believe I am. I know that I am changing very quickly and every day and the changes are important to me and will be important to others. The distraction of that level of intimacy I fear would actually inhibit this new growth and maturity and faith. It is unfortunate in many ways because there is a level of missing out, when you change and it's you that you deal with and not someone there beside to share in it. As an addict or alcoholic, upon entering sobriety is told...no major changes or relationships for your first year...how come no one has ever incorporated that, for those new in faith? You change in so many ways, it is only fair to step aside and learn who you are becoming, it is a new life. One might be surprised that that one person you thought you could be ok with, very well may not be the one for you at all. I have a newness to explore and something to proclaim...

So as Joel Osteen says "boldly declare words of faith" And for Richerd Johnson, who introduced me to Joel Osteen, thank you...though since my denouncement I've not once glanced at him until recently.

I have a faith I've never had, I'm happier for it. It has changed me in depth and on the surface of everyday things. I look forward to the next yr, to see just how much changes and how much I grow, instead of shrink. I love being able to love people in the new ways that I have, one I still haven't met (God friend #1), some I barely know and for once, I can openly see where prayers have been answered and with understanding, throughout my entire life. Every morning on my drive to work for more than 2 months I have talked to God. I pray every day and have since right before I walked away from my kiddo for the last time. I sing loudly at christian songs. I bought Casting Crown concert tickets and a ticket for the Fish concert next month in Salem. This is so something I have never contemplated, let alone in a million years ever thought I would do. The faithless Bible denouncer...that life is gone.

I think about my daughter and every day I still have a tears, every single day. Sometimes I still completely fall to my knees and bawl. I go to bed at night and sometimes with sadness and curled tight against my bunny, hanging on. Some days I ache so much. The heart that hangs from my rearview mirror I touch everyday and tell her how I love and miss her, sometimes I thank her. I even unwrap it from my mirror so it too can dance in the wind...that was my baby girl. I stand at my back door looking out and I stand in the breeze and simply just feel. But during this time, every time now I am different. I think of God, I feel the difference and then sometimes I just bust out laughing and it all, sometimes I feel a modicum of peace, within the pain. I have never felt this. I have never felt joy and I surely have never chuckled or laughed during this moment. I know I am not crazy. I have finally felt what those around me for years have claimed to feel. I have laughed and cried at the same time while babbling on the phone about all of the little consequential changes. I have nodded my head in knowing fashion, because I know. I have questioned much and then let go and simply let it be.

In the past, the little feelings of peace, the moments of relief, the moments that felt truly good when God was there were short lived. The moments he disappeared and I went about my way only later to ask, plead, scream and yell and not believe he was ever there...clear to the moment when I went faithless after years of struggling. Those moments at best, a week here, a moment there, never really more than 2 weeks, if I even made it that far. Today, (July 20, 2017) I am 82 days as a new and changing person and it feels stronger every day. As a little bit of weird proof in my own world; many years ago, shortly after my friend's husband passed we were discussing faith. I told her that when my visual world turned 3d that I knew God was near. She chuckled at me and said "Cara, that's because you see in 3d." I tried as best as I could to explain to her that I didn't see 3d....crazy right lol! I literally saw flat visuals, sometimes 2d and on occasion 3d. I have 82 days of seeing 3d. 82 days where I see God in some way, where I have reached, where I understand, where my faith is still there. I look around at buildings, trees, power poles, shrubs, houses, mountain, cars and it's a new level of seeing. Yeah ok I really am not crazy and haven't been crazy all these years. This is also the same friend that sent me a bible verse a day, in the mail for almost 4 months, throughout a dark trial of my life.

I have a little confession. With the loss of my grandpa who was and still is my hero, the loss of my niece (2nd cuz actually but she called me mom or aunt), the loss of my mom, cancer, the loss of a very close and important friend, I asked God to please send me a Godly man because sometimes you want a different perspective than from us women; sometimes it is just the simple strength that comes from being around a male. I got that prayer answered, x's two, both on the same day, one of them being an old Pastor (he pastored to us kids) and hey I am having dinner with him, his wife and most likely their 6 kids as well as others (I believe) who helped run the coffee house us teen kids frequented; when I go back to La Pine. The kids don't know me, but the others do. 31 yrs. WOW. The other, resides on that 4th floor of life changes. God answered my prayer...and see, even with denouncement, I still continued to pray and hope and ask.

I have also recently found out that there is one other teen from that coffee shop who has since also changed and come to faith, some years back but he now also has a christian coffee shop in Az. I want to go visit him. I have always wanted to go on a missionary trip. It always has been so that I can help but I feel in a year I will be able to help so much more...that trip to Ireland may just have to wait. Sorry dad, not really ;) and I know you will understand. (for those who don't know, I met my dad 7 yrs ago after being separated at age of 4).

So whether you've understood or not, whether you believe or not, for those who have encouraged and for those who have had no comments or wherever you may be in this moment simply thank you. For those who have doubted me for whatever reason, thank you. If you have been mad at me, frustrated with me, have stepped back from me, thank you. If you think I am flat loony right now, thank you. For those strangers who have commented on something they see in me, for those who have asked me to pray, not even knowing who I am, thank you. You are all part of this journey I am on and I am glad you are there. I am grateful to know part of your heart and I am grateful to be able to share this new path with you.

Lastly, yes I do cry, yes I do ache, yes I have some pretty messed up anxiety moments while driving in traffic, (NOT RECOMMENDED EVER) over ambulance and fire truck sirens (don't ask me why on the firetruck I don't know). Yes I have had excruciatingly bad days where all I want is to be physically held while I cry. Yes I hurt. Yes I will have a thought or memory that catches my breath and stops me breathing and it takes me a minute and several breath catches to breath again. My moments in my farmers field are different. Yes I have dropped to my knees in pain while crying out, even recently. Yes I have cried in happiness over this shift in me. Yes I have shouted thank you Lord while driving. I have listened to my grand daughter copy me on that! Yes I pray each day. I have prayed everyday since April 30, 2017, often more than once a day. And I do talk to God. Gratefully, the loss of all memories of her that I had, those memories have come back and I am no longer plagued by only 2 pictures of her (her wedding day and Icu). Yes I talk to her and she whispers back.

I can say that in my heart, even though I still desperately want her back on the physical realm, I know her passing was not in vain. I have seen to much that would not have happened if it were not for her leaving. There is no way to explain how these things would have happened, had it been any other way. In this, she leaves behind a legacy that a certain few of us will always share and she gave back to those who needed it more than she did. This is what she would have wanted. My daughter knew of the past I lived through and I know she would be ecstatic to know and see that I have found my faith, that I am not losing more than I am gaining and that I am changing. Even though she was my kiddo, and learned from me, she learned from elsewhere also and in some ways, was more wise than myself. She was not a typical child nor a typical adult. Only those who knew her, really know. She wasn't perfect but she was so very real. She encouraged, trusted, loved, gave, taught; unconditionally. She carried a light, proudly and she did pray...I so did not teach her that! She must have learned from church or somewhere, at an early age, of what I did not.

So I am here, the previous dwindler in faith, the previous person who had no faith, the one who used faith as a convenience, the one who never really trusted except in certain persons, the one who shied from touches from strangers, it's all gone. (I did test the touch theory-I am so weird). It feels good to have walked away from those chains. I can't wait until my friend Shane tries to protect me from a strangers touch...he is going to freak when I tell him it is ok.

I can understand now the dropping to knees and crying in both good and bad. I can understand how all these years has been to prepare me for so much and to give me more wisdom than I have learned through experience. I see it, I feel it and I never believed it was real. I feel that every chain is broken that I stand anew, yet I am still very much me, just better. I find myself holding my hand over my heart singing or talking to God. It's so foreign when thinking back but feels so natural. I feel anchored for the first time in my life. It feels good, the different smiles I give and it feels good to know that once again I am changing but in a way that I do not believe will leave. I have exhorbitant faith in the future, good, bad or indifferent because now I understand the trials of the last 42 years.

Simply I proclaim, I finally found my faith. I am truly a blessed person, with a blessed life, despite what is thrown at me or what has been thrown at me. I am fortunate for my trials of a messed up and ugly, brutal and mean life. And believe when I say, if I had not found my faith I would be a wreck and it would have taken every ounce of my ethics, morals, responsibility, values, coping mechanisms I had to not simply just walk away from all I currently have that is good. And in doing so I would have destroyed so much of what I have worked for and value with others, especially my son.

I love you Lord and thank you and tomorrow is day 83.